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Aubrey Ann
28 March 2018 @ 08:18 am
Once upon a time I worked at a fast food restaurant in NC. This group of girls kept talking about having a girls' night in front of me. So when one of them asked me if I was working on Thursday, I said "Nope!" Thinking that this was the official invitation. Then she said, "Do you think you could work for me, so I can go to the Girls' Night?"

This is basically how my nursing school social life is going.

I keep switching between my feelings being actually hurt by this group of girls in my class and then thoughts of how much I don't care. I shouldn't care. I need to just focus on the academic side of nursing school, and let it go. But when my feelings are hurt I can't help but think there is something inherently wrong with me. There is something repulsive about my personality...or face. There is some annoying habit that I have, and I just don't have the self-awareness to see it. Of course this makes me want to talk less around them, and if I'm wrong and I'm just projecting then talking less is probably adding to the problem?

I hate "making friends." I've vowed to just focus on myself, my family and the academic side. Once Jandr and I have our own house and careers, then I'll worry about making a few solid friends that I can hang out with. Hopefully. Or maybe because I am still such good friends with my high school friends (Annie, Soph, & Nico), the universe is like "you've met your quota." Not even sure if I believe that's how "the universe" works.

Okay, Jandr said he made me a coffee downstairs (see, what do I have to complain about really??). Bye.
Aubrey Ann
27 May 2017 @ 06:52 am
I'll write a longer update later. For now, I gave birth! And my mom and sister made it to Texas!

Evelyn Claire ColladoCollapse )
Aubrey Ann
18 April 2016 @ 04:48 pm
Today it is flooding in Texas, so I am staying at home doing laundry and homework. I am going to start packing all of my clothes up today because...I GOT AN APARTMENT! I move in May 11th, so I need to start packing everything that I can. It's a small place, but that's all I really need.

I am hanging out with this guy more and I really like him. I am trying to be chill. I have never been so chill, haha. I am trying to take it slow, not force anything. Just have fun and get to know him. I am in no rush to jump into another relationship. Jon and I have been broken up for about 6-7 months now and we stopped being intimate months before that, but we do still live together. I think once I get in my apartment and have to start unpacking and setting home my little space, getting my own routine and getting my shit together, it will be easier to decide what direction I want to go in with this guy. In the mean time it is fun feeling feelings for someone again. And honestly, some of these feelings are foreign to me. This guy is the youngest guy I have ever been interested in. I have only been in two relationships in my life, and both of the guys were 14 years older than me. Seriously their birthdays were Dec 19 and Nov 20, so they were almost exactly this same age. This guy is only 4 years older than me. It feels weird. Like we're both babies, haha. Neither of us are married or have kids or have ever been married. We're like in really similar places in our lives. I am so used to being insecure with Jon in public because people would always assume he was my dad. Yeah. It's such a gross feeling to me. And then I always felt guilty because it would make me so uncomfortable that I would intentionally be distant from him in public situations because I look like I could be 18-20 and he looks his age, 41. But with this new guy someone already asked us if we were married when we were hanging out. That alone is a huge difference to me....

Anyway, I don't care if this is annoying, but I read my horoscopes for this week and here are things that stood out:

For my rising sign (Aries): "Perhaps you feel more ready to let things float for a moment. To not feel like it’s up to you to drive the whole ship forward. To trust that the currents will carry you to your next destination."

For my sun sign (Pisces): "It wants to remind you that just because somethings in life might not be moving as quickly as you’d wish they would, they are moving at the exact right speed for the lessons that you are learning."

This is so on point with how I feel about being "chill" and just going with the flow and not forcing things. Just letting things happen as they go. I got drunk last night with all my friends/co-workers at a co-workers birthday. The guy I'm hanging out with was there, and I was so tempted to just be like "I LIKE YOU" (even though I know we both know that we like each other) or sending him some crazy text when I got home spilling my guts, but instead I washed my face and went to sleep like a normal non-crazy person with chill. I'm proud because in the past I have been known to force things forward or hold onto things I should have ended because I wanted to control the process/progress. I want things to just happen on their own, and honestly they are. It might be slow, but they are happening and I am allowed to relax and just enjoy the good parts.

SOURCE for horoscopes: http://chaninicholas.com/2016/04/full-moon-in-scorpio-horoscopes-for-the-week-of-april-18th/
Aubrey Ann
18 June 2015 @ 07:59 pm
I feel like some of the same people out there who try to rationalize police brutality against people of color are the same people who try to de-criminalize white terrorists. When a 14-year-old black girl is pulled to the ground and sat on by a cop in Texas she deserved it because her tone was wrong, she tried to run, she didn't leave when she was told not to run, etc. A black man is tazed (tased/tazored?) while having a stroke and it's "how were the cops supposed to know?" A young black man, UNARMED is shot and killed in the streets and we'll dig up his criminal history that was not tied in any way to what was happening when he was shot. The list goes on and on. The people who try to rationalize these acts of violence will say "it's not about race" "but all lives matter" and so fourth. And now a young white man walks into a church, sits and hangs out with a group of black people in a bible study class, then stands up announces that he is there to shoot them BECAUSE of their race and people will try to make this asshole seem LESS guilty. They will try to say this is not about race.

Okay, an unarmed person of color is murdered or brutalized and we will come up with reasons this innocent person has to be guilty.
A white guy shoots nine people and we will think of reasons he has to be innocent. Or at least not in his right mind, because he is white so the only way he could be a murderer is if he has mental health issues. As if people with mental health issues are automatically more prone to violent behavior.

I just...I can't wrap my head around this shit. And I know this isn't very eloquent but I have to dump these thoughts somewhere and I don't really feel like posting them on facebook.
Aubrey Ann
23 March 2015 @ 05:02 pm
So, I've decided to use this journal for good instead of evil.  I am going to make daily lists of positive things about Hannah--qualities, things she's done recently, etc. Instead of talking shit all the time.  So, that's my plan.

Today's list:

-I think it's admirable that she calls her mom and her grandmother daily.  Often more than once a day.  I'd say her grandmother, Cathy, is her best friend.  Sometimes her mom doesn't answer/call back for a few days, but Hannah still tries to call her.

-Hannah started a job as a bagger at Kroger last week (her spring break).  She had training Monday and Tuesday 4-9 and then worked Friday night and Saturday and Sunday mornings.  I am proud of her for going to school this morning.  She was complaining about how tired she was, so I was thinking she might con her dad into letting her stay home and veg out all day, but she sucked it up and went to school.

I think that's all I've got for today, I went to work and she just got home from school, so we haven't been around each other much today.  It was hard for me not to add little negative caveats to each of those, but I resisted.  I've noticed that I kind of have her under a microscope and I let every little thing she does bother me and spike my blood pressure.  That's not healthy for me or her.  I'm hoping that by focusing on and highlighting some positive Hannah-things I can see her in a more positive light and help her see herself in a more positive light.

I leave for school in about an hour.  We're getting our last test back in A&P II.  I'm hoping that I made a higher grade on this test than the last one.
Aubrey Ann
30 January 2015 @ 08:27 pm
I haven't posted in a long time and now I am going to post just complaining about my boyfriend's daughter.  Sorry in advance, but I just want to get this out.

Got up at 5am this morning to be at work by 6am.  Got off work, my feet were so sore I drove home barefoot.  Came home and studied psychology until she got off the bus.  She came home and I had to take her to a choir solo audition an hour away as soon as she got dressed.  So we drive over there.  It seems pleasant enough, she actually seemed into the podcast I was listening to.  We got there and she immediately ran over to a friend.  I sat down and started studying psychology.  She went and bought sour ropes, a reese cup and a cookie.*  She sat with her friends and talked while I studied.  I could hear what they were saying.  Hannah started talking shit about a girl sitting at another table.  She called the girl a prep.  One of her friends said, "Oh her?  She's really smart and nice.  How do you know she's a prep?  You just don't like anyone."  Boom!  A mature-seeming 15 year old said what I was thinking to Hannah.  So it's not just me!  It's the people she interacts with daily that also notice her negativity.  Cool.  I'm glad she called her out on it too.

So then, she says, "okay I'm gonna go find my room."  She walks off.  One of the friends that she was sitting with has a similar call-time and goes off too.  Less than 10 minutes pass and the girl who left after Hannah comes back.  She said it went really well, her judge was nice, etc.  FORTY minutes after Hannah left she comes back with some sloppy looking boy (everyone is dressed up for their audition, but he's in basketball shorts and a giant hoodie).  She says, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom."  And walks off WITH the boy.  He doesn't need to go to the bathroom with you!  So I wait a couple minutes.  I go down there and she is just standing in the hallway talking to this dude.  I was like....um...really?

Okay, here are some signs that the person who is just your ride somewhere wants to leave:
-they come find you when you disappear
-they are still in their work clothes
-it is a school function for 15-18 year olds and they are 10+ years older than everyone there except the chaperones
-they have 2 quizzes due in their online class and they have told you this

She doesn't see me.  Her and the boy start walking down the hallway together.  They disappear behind a wall.  At this point I was like, "Oh hell no.  Fuck this.  I am NOT going to catch you making out with some boy in the hallway after I drove you all the way out here as a favor to you and a favor to your dad."  I walked down the hall and when I got to where she could see me (thank all potential higher powers that she wasn't kissing/touching this  dude) I motioned for her to come on.  She was like, "Are we leaving?"  UH YES WE ARE LEAVING DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUCKING FUN FOR ME?  We get in the car and I turn all fucking doormat. I'm like, "You're allowed to have guy friends, so I wasn't coming to get you because you were with a boy.  I just have two quizzes to do before midnight and I'm hungry."  So, she learned nothing, I could have at least said, "I know I did not clearly state when we were leaving.  I did not vocalize how much I wanted to leave to you, but I felt like you were taking advantage of my kindness when you used this outting as a date night/hang out session when it was supposed to be for a school function.  I know you want to stay and have fun, but you have to think about other people.  Especially when they are going out of their way to make your life easier."

I also found out that one of her friends rode a bus there because her mom couldn't bring her.  Why the FUCK couldn't Hannah have ridden that same bus?  With her friend?!  I would have gladly came and picked her up at 6, and she wouldn't have any confusion about when we were leaving. AND I could have already gotten my quizzes done by now.  I really don't know if I am doing the right thing 75% of the time.  Am I mature enough, assertive enough to help with my boyfriend's teenage daughter who has been raised by a ultra-permissive parent her whole life?  I don't want to word it like this, but sometimes I wonder if Jon is worth the other stress and the responsibility.  I love Jon and we never have any problems other than how he lets Hannah get away with everything....but at the same time...tonight I just let her get away with treating me like her person chaffeur.  I just rolled over and let her control me and my time....I mean...it's such an uncomfortable dynamic.  She is 10 years younger than me. She is not my child.  She was raised in a way I have MANY issues with.  Will Jon be a better parent if we had a child together?  Or would I end up feeling like I have to do all the discipline and play bad cop all the time.  I don't know.

I just really don't know.  Feeling bummed right now.

*I don't know if I mentioned this, but Hannah eats a lot of sweets.  And NO vegetables.  I've started getting her to eat a salad (just lettuce and rance no tomatoes or carrots or cabbage or anything) with dinner or some broccoli (she serves herself the tiniest portion) but...I am honestly worried that if she doesn't learn about nutrition at some point she will develop diabetes.  She is already overweight.  At the same time I suffered from so many shitty eating/food-related psychological issues that I am so SCARED fo that line with young girls.  Teaching them that what the eat matters for their strength and health without even insinuating that their worth depends on their appearance/weight.  BAH.  Help!
Aubrey Ann
19 July 2014 @ 08:03 am

Going home to North Carolina for a couple days.  We'll be going through Georgia to pick up Hannah (my boyfriend's daughter), and then we're bringing my little sister, Randi, to Texas with us.  I hope we can do some fun things this summer.

Jon asked for time off to make this trip.  He had to work a really rough schedule for this past week so he could take off the amt of time he asked for.  So, we haven't seen much of each other.  Basically one of us is asleep or at work at all times of interaction.  So I'm excited to hang out with him even if it is on a road trip with three dogs, haha.

Aubrey Ann
10 July 2014 @ 08:24 pm

So my second update shouldn't be as long as the first one.  We'll see, I usually get off-topic at least once.

I'm not sure how much I mentioned about applying to Lone Star college.  I am from a really small town, so the community college here was intimidating, a little, because there were like six different locations and I didn't(/don't) know the area very well.  I didn't even know which location to apply to for a while.  Luckily I passed Lone Star Montgomery on my way to work, and realized that's the one I need to go to.  It'll be perfect for working full-time and going to school part-time.

I did most of the application process online, but then I hit a wall.  They give you a check list but the last ones on my list were 1)  Placement tests and 2) Immunization.  I figured I could waive both of those, so I went to the campus today to make sure.  They said all I have to do now is send off for my high school transcript (I sent them my college transcript already) and attend an orientation session.  They said I will register for classes at the end of the orientation.

I am super excited to go back to school!  In NC there were like 4 or 5 prereqs for the nursing program and here, if my credits transfer there is only ONE!  If my credits don't transfer there are only 3!  So, that's exciting!

I plan to get an Anatomy and Physiology I class that starts around 7 or 8 pm, so I can go to class and then straight to work after.  I was thinking about getting an early morning class and staying awake after my shift, but I don't really like that idea.  I can do it if I have to, but I'd rather not.  There's quite a bit of down time on graveyard shift, so I figure I can get a lot of homework done while I'm at work.  I'll have to look into getting a new laptop since mine was stolen.  I am just really excited to go back to school!

Aubrey Ann
10 July 2014 @ 07:28 pm

It's been a while since I wrote here.  I think I'm going to break my update into two separate entries.

First, there was a little white kitten hanging out around my workplace.  She would meow and meow, but once you tried to approach her she would get too scared and run.  I fed her a couple times and talked to my co-workers about her.  Two other girls were trying to catch her when I wasn't at work.  I could tell she was malnourished, too skinny and her stomach was distended so I assumed she had worms.  You could also see fleas/flea dirt in her white fur.

Well, I had a weekend off so I was so worried that she wouldn't get food and she would die.  I bought some cans of kitten food and I even thought about going to work on one of my days off and at least leaving the food there so someone else could feed her, but I didn't.  So I show up after my weekend off and Sky (a cute pink-haired, latina girl) and Courtney (she likes animals and used to have a Boxer, but I added her on facebook and she's not afraid to post some pro-life bullshit--"There is a war on babies, not women"--memes daily, meh) came walking in the front door (I came in the back, so we met in the middle of the facility) with my little kitten!  She stayed the night with me and Bonnie.  We gave her a bath, fed her and made a little cave for her with a box and a towel.  She was so scared!

On the drive home she escaped her box and got up under my brake pedal!  I said out loud, "This is how we both die, kitten!"  But I managed to pull over and get her before we met our demise.  I grabbed my hoodie from my floorboard (why do I have a hoodie in my car during a Texas summer?  For feral kitties, apparently) and made a little nest for her in my lap and we made it home that way.

I have named her Lily and taken her to the vet for her worms and fleas.  She is really, really sweet and playful now that she's gotten used to me and the house.  The dogs still freak her out, but I think she'll warm up to them.  Or at least to Phoebe, because Pheebs is the only one giving her space.  Phoebe has been around a lot of kittens in her lifetime, so she's pretty chill.  Zadie thinks Lily is a cool new toy, and won't let her breathe.  And Sam is almost as bad as Zadie, but he doesn't make noises when he bothers her.  Zadie whines and growls.  Sam also peed outside of the bathroom door (that's where Lily stayed to keep away from the dogs).  Sigh.

Here's a picture of the new little lady:


I love that her body is white (you can see a pink tint underneath from her skin) and her eyes are bright green and then her tail is black/striped.  You can see tabby markings in her tail from up close.  When I first saw her in the dark I thought she was one of those tailless cats (manx? minx?), but then I saw her in the light and just realized she has a dark tail.

If you look in the corner of the tub you can see the cat litter she tracked everywhere.  I had to clean out the tub and find a new place for her litter box and put a mat underneath it.  Of course I did all of this AFTER I shared the picture with visible litter on Instagram and Facebook.  Oh well, people that have cats and litter boxes probably understand, right?

Aubrey Ann
11 April 2014 @ 12:35 pm

Okay, well I guess my last entry was a little premature.  I worked at PM for one day and it was absolutely terrible!  They were super inefficient, the girl training me ignored me for most of the night.  Then she complained about having to do 4 vital signs because "that's the nurses job."  Um, really?  Then I got a flat tire, the girl training me left early, and the guy who I was supposed to shadow for the last 2 hours broke my jack when he tried to fix the flat tire, that I repeatedly told him not to fix.  Anyway, AG called that same day, while I was at work, and I decided to take them up on their offer.  So I still have a job, just not the one I thought I wanted.

So far, I've trained there and their set-up is just so calm and cute and comforting.  The residents spend most of their time together in a big room set up like a family room.  There are recliners and couches and three dining tables.  They eat there, sit and watch tv, a few of them can go to the bathroom independently, etc.  At most nursing homes the residents mostly stay in their own rooms, but this one is different.  I work again today, so I'll be leaving soon.

I feel kind of bad for leaving the first job after one day, but oh well. What's done is done and I called them and resigned the proper way and everything.  And I was there from 12:30pm-10:15pm (I was supposed to leave at 10, but the guy I was shadowing left without a word--Jon was outside fixing my tire and he said that guy left around 9:45--and a girl on graveyard shift asked why I was still there), so I'll get some money out of it still.  I just feel a lot better at this other facility.

Also, I thought it would be a bad thing that I'll be training at two different locations, but now I think it's a good thing and it might give me more of a choice.

I've been thinking about changing my whole plan for the future.  I've been considering going into veterinary medicine instead of nursing.  The only Lone Star College that offers that is in Tomball, which might be closer to the Spring AG facility instead of the Woodlands location, so I might be able to work that out better if I have a choice in which location I get a full-time position at.  Part of me is really worried about switching my future plans, and another part of me is thinking it will be better in the long run if I pick something I feel more passionately about.  We'll see.